sometimes i wonder how many people go to places alone in hopes that a stranger would come up and talk to them. i wonder how many people just really need someone to be their friend.

last night

we were sitting

next to each other

knees touching

crammed

in the back seat

of our friends car

riding home

an hour long drive

in the dark

in the night

and we were talking

softly

about all sorts of things

and sometimes

i would turn

to look at your profile

and try to memorize

the lines of your face

and sometimes

i would look at your hands

and sometimes

i would stare out the window

and watch the yellow lines

on the road

change

and stretch

and disappear

and the whole time

i was thinking

about how effortless things are

you just make it so easy

for me to like you

a whole lot

and for a second

i noticed the sparks

and for a second

it felt electric

daylight is my companion.
I only get lonesome at night.

sometimes
you wake up
in the middle of the night
in the middle of the morning
so late, so early
sometimes you wake up
because of a bad dream,
a nightmare that startles you out of sleep.
sometimes you wake up
because of a noise;
something unusual
breaking the silence of the night.
sometimes you wake up
from heartbreak;
too sad to sleep.
sometimes you wake up
from pain;
pain that not even sleep can sooth.
but sometimes
you wake up
for no reason.
and you can’t go back to sleep.
but for some reason you’re filled with peace,
and comfort,
and silence,
and simplicity.
and you don’t worry
about how tired you’ll be the next day.
you turn on your lamp and read a book.
you write,
you draw,
you paint.
you get to watch the sunrise that you so often miss,
that you so often take for granted.
sometimes you wake up
and remember that you’re alive.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be in somebody else’s skin. physically, literally, not metaphorically. i wonder what it would be like to have an entirely different body and a different face and what it would feel like to go through life like that. it’s just so strange that we can only know what life feels like from inside our bodies. it’s impossible to know anything different. 

i’m only scared

of irreversible things

like going deaf

losing eyesight

natural disasters

house fires

death

i’ve been noticing the little things

like the way you look when you’re thinking

the expression you make 

when you’re talking about something

you’re passionate about

and knowing

what you’re passionate about

and the way you keep conversations going

the way you bring up things i’m interested in

just to hear my thoughts

the way you laugh

when something’s funny

or when you’re just supposed to laugh

i like you

i want to know how dark you like your toast

                    and

how you like your coffee.

it was colder this time than it was the last. i guess it was a little less than a year ago, somewhere around the beginning of april, rather than the beginning of march. you come into my life at the strangest times. a year ago you were a substitute for something, someone, who initially i had been using as a distraction from you. that’s the funny part, i guess. i remember how i felt so comfortable around you. you were like my confidence, my support. because you mad me laugh so easily, and you let me talk when i needed to, and you talked when i didn’t. i was so confused and conflicted and upset that night. i was dizzy, really dizzy. and i guess my fragile heart was a tiny bit broken. i didn’t want to go home, remember? so you drove around in circles. you took the longest way possible. and then we stopped and got icees. it was late and i was acting so strange but you made me happy. you parked your car right down the street from my house so that i didn’t have to go home yet. you just parked and we drank our icees and our lips turned red or blue or whatever color they were and our teeth chattered and we shivered a bit i guess, because after all, it was only april. there was some music playing in the background, i’m sure. probably modest mouse. probably the one song by them that i love and you don’t love. i don’t remember, though. the music was just background noise. you were a good friend and we talked and talked and talked and didn’t agree on everything but we didn’t need to. you always messed up my hair like i was a little kid. you show affection in the funniest ways. i thought about kissing you. you were with her and i was with him but we both knew that we should have been with each other. everybody knew. but we weren’t. and i don’t know what happened but somehow a year went by and there we were again tonight. so much honesty. more than i even knew existed. we talked and talked and talked, because it’s so easy for us. you parked down the street from my house so that i didn’t have to go in yet. my neighbor came out with his flashlight and i got worried about what he would think of me. we were only talking, though. you told me i shouldn’t worry so much what people think. we talked and talked. but it was different. i played your least favorite modest mouse song again, and i sang along to every word. you put up with it because you know i love it. i played some of the prettiest songs i know. i think you liked them. you asked me a lot of questions. questions i haven’t really been asked before. and when i answered with “i don’t know,” you thought up some answers for me. you said that there are things that make me uncomfortable and there are things that scare me and that they hold me back and hinder me and stop me from experiencing everything that i need to experience. i don’t know if all of that is true. i don’t know. maybe i’m scared. but maybe i don’t need to experience the same things that you do. i don’t know. i got pensive and quiet, my knees clutched to my chest. i was cold, i was confused. i didn’t know what to say. you had your head leaned back in your seat, you were facing me, you were close to me. i was looking away, you were looking at me. you were looking at me. and you asked me what i was thinking about and i said i didn’t know. i couldn’t look at you but i liked that you were looking at me. so closely. i wish i knew what you were thinking. my heart was beating really fast. it was hard to process what you said, and i didn’t know what to think and i didn’t know what to feel, really. i thought about kissing you. you picked up my camera and you didn’t really know how to use it and you took a couple of dark and blurry photos of the clock and my face and the streetlights. i don’t think you’ll know what those photos mean to me. i played another pretty song and you talked about the progressions and the transitions and i just sat there, staring ahead, still clutching my knees to my chest. you had to go and i had to go and so you turned your car on and drove me the few feet it took to get to my house and you had to get out of the car to let me out because your passenger side door is broken. so we stood outside of your car for a minute, under the yellow glowing streetlights and i sort of mumbled and you talked about our plans for wednesday and something about a watch and then you hugged me so tight, for so long and i still didn’t look at you. i thought about kissing you and we said goodbye and made some joke and i walked inside and someday i’m just going to kiss you to prove that i’m not scared of everything.

sometimes i find a lot of joy in not having any idea who the heck i am.